Law School is Not Going to Break Me
December 18, 2020
but it's definitely going to bend me....
I haven't been in the mood to write for months. I guess moving to a new city/state, getting comfortable, only to start hell , will do that to a girl. Let me back up a bit and stop being so dramatic...
On July 1st I packed up my little Honda Civic and drove 18+ hours to New Orleans, Louisiana bright eyed and bushy tailed, so that I could start my first semester of law school. I found the perfect little studio apartment near by, made it all mine, did a 1L boot camp then walked into the building on August 12th, mask on and book bag in tow. I KNEW law school would be hard, but I'd do everything in my power to ensure I succeeded.
I think I'll circle back and do an in depth blog post about how I *attempted* to kick ass my first semester, how I met my support system, and how it was experiencing my first year law school during a pandemic but first I just need to acknowledge that law school did not break me.
It came so close. There were days that I wasn't happy, and I knew that lifestyle wasn't sustainable, but I just had November 23 (the end of the semester) as my finish line. It didn't matter that I wasn't happy, I went to bed at 8/9pm to avoid talking to people, and that I had the worst acne I've ever had (including high school!!!!!!!!) because that A was going to make everything feel so much better. Then that A didn't come.
Okay one A didn't come. Today, December 17th at 11:47 am, precisely, that A I grinded for was a B fucking minus. I haven't gotten the rest of my grades and that one grade was my hardest class but COME ON!! Everything I poured into this class, the hours, the study groups, the secret tears and actually showing up to class when others didn't suddenly seemed...futile? useless? like a waste? I tried so hard and it seems that I may only be B- good.
Only being B- good, was never an option.
I probably won't make this blog post public because I don't want to hear (or read) the extremely peppy "you got this!" "it's just one test!" "I believe in you!" because I know I got this, I know that it's just one test , and I believe in myself -- all these things can be true and I can still be extremely disappointed.
I can still be extremely disappointed.
Law school is not going to break me, it's just bending me a lot; making me more pliable. I look at my B- in disappointment and frustration but I also look at it in thanks. I worked harder than I have ever worked before and that B- could have been a C or D if I put in HALF the work that I did. This first grade, this B-, is begrudgingly my badge of honor.
Heres to 2020 and all the effed up ish I had to go through in order to get a B- in my hardest class. Heres to me learning better study habit for the rest of law school so that this doesn't happen again. Heres to my next two class grades coming back as A's. Heres to bending and not breaking.