Written as a feature post for mynegasi.com on August 03, 2018:

What happens when you don't fall in love, but jump instead?

My last relationship was one of the biggest let downs of my life. I thought I would stay with him, but it seems like the universe had different plans. I met him at a time in my life where I was whole and somehow he still managed to make me feel complete. In retrospect, I saw some signs that I should have listened to, but I never thought it would get so bad. I honestly thought that we were walking together in God and in love, but we weren’t walking in tandem, it turns out that I was the one leading. I was pulling someone along in this romantic journey because I was so excited to feel what I was feeling and I wanted them to be just as excited as I was. As I was shamelessly walking in love, they were being led by fear and uncertainty.

It took a long time for me to convince myself that what happened wasn’t my fault.

I realize now that our relationship was not built on a strong enough foundation, it was too rushed. I reveled in the fact that I had been praying for a life with him, praying for peace with him, praying that the foundation of our love was strong enough to withstand any storm that came our way but little did I know there was already a crack in the concrete. My passion, my emotion, and my dedication to our love wasn’t something that he was able to match. Granted that didn’t give him the right to cheat on me, but it enabled me to understand what happened a little more clearly. I remember being so mad at him for walking out on me, for not saying he loved me when that’s all I needed, for being selfish and cheating on me, for making me feel like I was too much and not choosing me. 

I used to lay in bed and shame the universe and everything that ever brought him to me, but in the midst of my pain and fury, a sense of calm came over me. I had to look in the mirror and remind myself that “This isn’t God hating you. We are loved differently, therefore we love differently". I remember nights of crying myself to sleep, tearing up during an exam, walking out of class, sitting my bare ass on the shower floor and using the sound of water to cover my tears. I remember begging people not to leave me, yelling at them for hurting me, lowering my standards and compromising myself in order to keep a man around that treated me way below the threshold that I deserved to be treated. Eventually, I was able to heal my heart because of my dedication to me. It’s easy to talk about getting over someone but very difficult to actually do so. 

With all the bullshit he put me through he taught me one thing, I am indisposable.

I’m smart as hell, I'm really pretty, my soul is kind, I love with all my heart, and I deserve to be cherished like the queen I am.

Peace,

Kayla Myelle.

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